Chuck Norris

Pour faire plaisir à Miko:

Macgyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris can kill him and take it.

There are no disabled people in the world. Only those people who have felt the wrath of Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris has recently changed his middle name to "Fucking."

When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever

Chuck Norris won 'Jumanji' without ever saying the word. He simply beat the living shit out of everything that was thrown at him, and the game forfeited.

There are two kinds of people in this world: people who suck, and Chuck Norris.

In the movie “Back to the Future” they used Chuck Norris' Delorean to go back into time and into the future. When they gave it back to him with a scratch on it he was angry and roundhouse kicked Michael J. Fox, which years later was the cause of his Parkinson's disease.

Chuck Norris always has sex on the first date. Always. The only time he didn't was in 1941, otherwise known as the beginning of the Holocaust.

Chuck Norris can enter up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, B, A, Select, Start using only his erection.

Crop circles are Chuck Norris's way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the fuck down.

When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.

Chuck Norris once walked down the street with a massive erection. There were no survivors.

In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.

Chuck Norris has two speeds: walk and kill.

Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.

Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.

Chuck Norris is not lactose intolerant, he just refuses to put up with lactose's shit.

Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down.

Chuck Norris puts the m's on M&Ms.

Chuck Norris was a hidden playable character on Mortal Kombat 2 on the Sega Genesis.

Chuck Norris is known for his modesty but readily admits that he is the 8th wonder of the natural world

Chuck Norris goes to the toilet once a month, if he needs to or not.

Chuck Norris burned down an entire forest when he was experimenting with water.

There are in fact 31 letters of the English Alphabet however only Chuck Norris knows what the extra 5 letters are.

Occasionally Chuck Norris will call up the Power Rangers just to say hi.

Chuck Norris has no concept of time, if you go to his house you won't find a single clock. When you ask to leave because it's getting late he stares at you blankly until you sit back down.

Chuck Norris can believe it's not butter.

Chuck Norris once ate a banana without having to peel it.

Every piece of furniture in Chuck Norris' house is a Total Gym

In a recent interview, Chuck Norris told Entertainment Tonight co-host Mary Hart that his most memorable role was when he played the third breast on the hooker in "Total Recall".

Chuck Norris once did a back flip off the Great Wall of China.

Chuck Norris doesn't need to swallow when eating food.

Chuck Norris caught all 386 pokemon in just under 2.7 seconds. He says he won't trade any of them for anything.

In one episode of Fresh Prince of Bel Air, Chuck Norris replaced Carlton for one scene and nobody noticed.

Chuck Norris broke his own leg, purely for the sake of winning the paralympics.

Chuck Norris will never fully be male nor female. Doctors once asked him which he preferred. He gave them an ad for a Total Gym.

Chuck Norris frequently signs up for beginner karate classes, just so he can "accidentally" beat the shit out of little kids.

Chuck Norris doesn't understand why you should consult your doctor if your erection lasts for more than 4 hours. His erections have been known to last for up to 15 days

Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.

If you look in a mirror and say "Chuck Norris" three times, he will appear and kill your entire family... but at least you get to see Chuck Norris.

A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a fucking Indian.

Chuck Norris was the original Danny Tanner on the hit family sitcom, "Full House". He was replaced by Bob Saget after an unfortunate incident with one of the Olsen triplets.

When Chuck Norris was driving he saw a sign that said, "Caution: Small Children Playing." So he slowed down, but then it occurred to him: Chuck Norris isn't afraid of small children.

If Chuck Norris is late, time better slow the fuck down.

In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone has ever gotten.

Chuck Norris invented cancer because he was tired of killing people

Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris pajamas

A Chevy truck was totalled in a car accident. It hit black ice, then hit Chuck Norris. You tell me what did the damage.

Everytime Chuck Norris hears the term ‘Virgin’ Mary he laughs out loud…

It used to be called the Tower of Pisa…until Chuck Norris decided to roundhouse kick the shit out of it

Chuck Norris kills 14 white people at the end of every week just to prove he isn’t racist.

Tiens le site sur Chuck Norris a ete mis a jour.

Y'en a encore de bien cultes:

Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris pajamas


Bref, que l'embarras du choix pour la sig...

D'ailleurs je cherche un poster ou T-Shirt du Chuck.

Merci wouass !

Et puisqu'on y est:

Chuck Norris creates sawdust when having anal sex with a woman.

A rich man once bet Chuck Norris a million dollars that he could not fight the toughest man in the world and remain undefeated. Chuck Norris accepted. The man said "Haha! I win! For YOU are the toughest man in the world, and if you kick your own ass, you will not be undefeated!" Chuck Norris was forced to travel 30 seconds into the future, kick the man's ass, and take all his money

The symbol for Chuck Norris in sign language is a middle finger on fire.

It is a little known fact that Hurricane Katrina was actually a category 9 hurricane at one point. Chuck Norris was airdropped into the eye and, you guessed it, a roundhouse kick dropped her 5 points down the scale.

People think that the Holocost was built by Hitler to get rid of the Jews, but actually it was built to protect the Jews from Chuck Norris as Chuck Norris was coming to Germany for a visit.

Chuck Norris is the best Counter-Strike player there ever was. He can own you with a flashbomb to the head with his hands tied behind his back, a ball-mouse with no ball, a keyboard that is snap in half, and a mircowave as a monitor.

Chuck Norris is so fast he can turn off his bedroom light and be under the covers before the room gets dark.

Every time you masturbate, Chuck Norris calls you a pussy, fucks 23 women right in front of you, and the eats a kitten.

Chuck Norris once went in for a physical, and during the examination, the doctor weighed him and found that he weighed a whopping 650 pounds. Shocked at how heavy Norris was, even with how much muscle he has, the doctor asked why he weighed so much. Having been met with this inquiry many times in his life Norris simply pointed at his crotch and said, “My penis.”

Chuck Norris believes what goes around comes a roundhouse kick to the face.

A woman once got pregnate by watching a Chuck Norris movie.

Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that's why there are no signs of life there.

Chuck Norris can unscramble an egg.

Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.

They once made a Chuck Norris toilet paper, but it wouldn't take shit from anybody.

Some people think that we are protected from the Sun's UV rays by the O-Zone. Are you kidding me, the reason why the Sun doesn't want to send it's UV rays to Earth is because it will irratate Chuck Norris, and the Sun knows what happens when Chuck Norris gets irratated.

www.chucknorrisfacts.com ?

Je sais pas perso j'ai repris d'un autre forum sur lequel je vais.

En attendant, le bonhomme est (entre autres) 6 fois champion du monde de karaté, auteur bestseller, champion de speed boat, recordman de la traversée des grands lacs et surtout le premier occidental à accéder à la ceinture noire 8ème dan en taekwon do, rompant une tradition longue de 4500 ans

Pas un pd, même si la grand-mère à micko lui a foutu une raclée l'autre jour. Allez, pour la forme:

King Kong climbed the empire state building to get away from Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris' sperm can penetrate 13 condoms, the birth control pill, a brick wall, and the 1975 Pittsburgh Steelers offensive line in order to impregnate a woman.

Chuck Norris once had a bad case of diarhea. The result, Boston, Massachusetts.

Chuck Norris is Luke Skywalker's father.

It is common knowledge that there are three sides to the force: the light side, the dark side, and Chuck Norris.

On the 7th day, God rested.... Chuck Norris took over

Biologically, Chuck Norris is his own step-father.

There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.

et voili voilou

Dans la même veine:

- There are three leading causes of game loss: zero life, zero cards in library, and Jon Finkel.

- Chuck Norris counted to infinity twice—because he was trying to count how much damage Jon Finkel deals in an average game.

- Bounce cards were printed so that creatures could temporarily escape from Jon Finkel.

- Ninjas, heroes, angels, dragons, and other creatures grow up wanting to be just like Jon Finkel. But usually, they grow up just to be removed by Jon Finkel.

- Jon Finkel doesn't need counterspells. All the creatures his opponents summon are afraid to come into play.

- Jon Finkel doesn't draw. He tutors. Every turn.

- Jon Finkel cannot lose; he can only spare opponents for a few more turns.

- Jon Finkel removes creatures and reanimates them to attack and kill more creatures. This is the cycle of life.

- There is no evolution. Just creatures which Jon Finkel hasn't removed yet.

- Jon Finkel never has to deal twenty damage. He deals one damage, and the other nineteen life abandon their player in fear.

- Jon Finkel never gets mana-screwed. Mana is afraid to screw with Jon Finkel.

- The removed from game zone exists because many cards are afraid to be in the same game as Jon Finkel.

- Jon Finkel only needs one basic land to get blackjack.

- There are two hands that can beat a royal flush. Jon Finkel's left hand and Jon Finkel's right hand.

- Jon Finkel never blocks; he just attacks from the opposite direction.

- When bad things happen to bad players, it's because they suck at the game. When bad things happen to good players, it's because they're playing against Jon Finkel.

- Professor X once tried to read Jon Finkel's mind to see what was in his hand. Now Professor X is sitting in a wheelchair.

- Dave Price once said, "There are no wrong threats, only wrong answers." That’s true only because all of Jon Finkel's threats are right, and all answers against Jon Finkel are wrong.

- Jon Finkel plays and wins Two-Headed Giant—by himself.

- Jon Finkel doesn't need to sleep with a gun under his pillow; just a basic land is enough to deal with any threat.

- The Berlin Wall fell because Jon Finkel attacked through it.

- Jon Finkel has never bought a Magic card. His entire collection comes from all the ante games he's won.

- Jon Finkel thinks the word mercy just means a turn-one kill, rather than winning when he sits down at the table.

- Cards wear Jon Finkel sleeves, and pros wear Jon Finkel boxers.

- Jon Finkel's creatures don't have to tap to attack, and his lands don't have to tap to produce mana.

- Jon Finkel wins clashes with basic lands.

- Jon Finkel can play Magic Online without a connection to the Internet.

- In order to control illegal immigration into the United States, the President asked Jon Finkel to declare blockers.

- There are bad plays, sub-optimal plays, optimal plays, and Jon Finkel plays. Jon Finkel plays are like optimal plays, except that they win games in fewer turns.

- Jon Finkel doesn't need to draw a Wrath of God to clear the board. All creatures die whenever Jon Finkel gets angry.

- Every time Jon Finkel taps a land, a woman has an orgasm.

- Jon Finkel ran out of cards in his library, but he didn't get decked. Jon Finkel doesn't have to draw cards if he doesn’t want to, because he doesn't need cards to win.

- Damage doesn't kill players. Jon Finkel kills players.

- The Seven Wonders of the Ancient World were the cards in Jon Finkel's opening hand.

- Jon Finkel doesn't bother to draft removal. He is removal.

- All your lands are belong to Jon Finkel.

- When God gets angry, creatures die. When Jon Finkel gets angry, players die.